dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
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Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I need to update my racial profile.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho