CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
okay run it by me one more time
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot