My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
You Might Also Like
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date