I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Choose your fighter
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
mariah carrie
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme