Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
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i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.