Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
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And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
mariah carrie
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse