My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%