My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
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Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
You know where I鈥檇 like to go?
Missing
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 馃槅
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again