[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
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I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Saturday
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Thursday Thought.