“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean