“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead