Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
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I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
What a website
I want what they have
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
much to think about
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland