I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
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“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”