*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
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One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life