Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Bring back the McRib
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me