Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
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If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months