“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go