my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
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A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.