Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
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Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!