I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips