The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
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Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
#SaturdayBears
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need