god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
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John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Oh, I bet you would be
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
March 16
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.