Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I love twitter
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…