I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”