When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
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Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.