been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
*pokes sex life with a stick
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
also my go-to takeaway order
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.