Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
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jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
This a good idea
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”