I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain