Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
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Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Alexa, make me look good naked.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees