2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
You Might Also Like
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.