Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)