I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
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On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.