Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
You Might Also Like
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Botany good plants lately?
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house