Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
just witnessed a drug deal
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.