I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
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*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
do horses think humans are hats
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.