I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
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*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.