Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
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Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.