My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Breaking news:
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
This meal prepping shit easy
💯😂
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.