When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
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Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Me checking my bank balance online.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.