Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
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That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
scrabbled eggs
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays