Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
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It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Boating season is upon us.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine