The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
This kid will have a bright future.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”