Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
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I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
“Huge”.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
iPhone X
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.