(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
You Might Also Like
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG: