Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
You Might Also Like
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written