I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*