if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
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Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.