Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
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your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.