*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
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“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
They did not miss in the small print
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
When ur friends with white people
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…