Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
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I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Somebody’s lying.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things